Carmen,
It's been a while since I've written to you. I bought a new motorcycle yesterday and am very nervous about it.
also, your brother was here for 27 days. it was nice to have him here, but it made me miss you more. Your seat is still empty, we all noticed it so much.
supposedly your trial is coming up soon, I'm very nervous about that as well. I started up with regular counseling so when the trial finally happens, I have a professional to speak to.
I love and miss you sister. Everyday, I wonder about you. What we'd be doing together how you would be today.
You are always in my heart.
mom
Friday, June 19, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Another Day
Carmen,
It's just another day here. I was talking to a man the other day whose daughter also died. We could definitely relate to range of emotions and thoughts that we have had. I told him I have a very hard time praying but that when I do pray I'll pray for him. He said he'd do the same. to tell you just how much I miss you is....well I can't. I don't have the words to explain how much I miss you, how much I need to see you, hear your voice, touch your skin.
Your brother is here for a 2 more weeks. It is so awesome to have him home; makes me miss you all the more.
I always remember you, love and miss....Mom
It's just another day here. I was talking to a man the other day whose daughter also died. We could definitely relate to range of emotions and thoughts that we have had. I told him I have a very hard time praying but that when I do pray I'll pray for him. He said he'd do the same. to tell you just how much I miss you is....well I can't. I don't have the words to explain how much I miss you, how much I need to see you, hear your voice, touch your skin.
Your brother is here for a 2 more weeks. It is so awesome to have him home; makes me miss you all the more.
I always remember you, love and miss....Mom
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Looking Back
Sister,
Yeah, it's been awhile since I've called you that. Well, your brother is here from Korea. I sure did miss him. As nice as it is to have him here, you are still missing and missed. I received word of the upcoming court date for your murder trial. How is it that you want something to get done and over with and at the same time you don't want to even address it?
I still have not learned how to deal with your death, doubt I ever will. How is someone supposed to continue living when they just keep looking back? There is very little in life I'd thought of redoing, until you were taken from me. Now, it seems I am always looking back. Back to the good times and times that weren't so good. Times I wish I could redo.
Since your death, I have never been so lost and like I'm wandering aimlessly. having faith and at the same time not believing. Currently, I feel like I just exist and sometimes like I don't exist at all.
You fill such an important part in my life; hell you are such an important part of my life. And just as you are so is your brother.
Carmen, I love and miss you, always........Mom
Yeah, it's been awhile since I've called you that. Well, your brother is here from Korea. I sure did miss him. As nice as it is to have him here, you are still missing and missed. I received word of the upcoming court date for your murder trial. How is it that you want something to get done and over with and at the same time you don't want to even address it?
I still have not learned how to deal with your death, doubt I ever will. How is someone supposed to continue living when they just keep looking back? There is very little in life I'd thought of redoing, until you were taken from me. Now, it seems I am always looking back. Back to the good times and times that weren't so good. Times I wish I could redo.
Since your death, I have never been so lost and like I'm wandering aimlessly. having faith and at the same time not believing. Currently, I feel like I just exist and sometimes like I don't exist at all.
You fill such an important part in my life; hell you are such an important part of my life. And just as you are so is your brother.
Carmen, I love and miss you, always........Mom
Thursday, May 7, 2009
You Again
I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you again, and again and again......will you and I ever be together again? There is so much work that needs to be done around here and I just give a damn, so it's piling up. well i just wanted you to know I love you. I am meeting some friends from work for a get together. they are good people you'd like them. hell you liked everyone anyway.
l love and miss you,
mom
l love and miss you,
mom
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Yesterday
Carmen,
Yesterday I went to work. Never really want to be there. The people I work with are really great. But sometimes, I just don't want to socialize in any fashion. I know that sounds terrible and perhaps it is. So anyway, I go to work, it starts off a usual day. The same bull as ever. But something in me could not take anymore of it. It's not that you were on my mind more than usual. You always seem to be there, just beyond my reach. But, I could take no more of the daily grind. I just started crying and could not stop. I had to try and concentrate and well, I did not do too well. I came home. Scared your dad. I never come home from work early. I never stay home because I'm sick and I don't call out. I had been trying to wait until after the trial to "take a vacation". The sound of that sounds awful. How could I vacation after you were brutally murdered? So I tried to wait. It has been 18 months and 3 weeks since you were taken from me. I have not vacationed since before that. So after your trial was postponed for the 2nd time, I thought I need to get away from it all for a little while at least. But when I looked at the times available for me to take time off on the work schedule I couldn't take any real time until November. It's just as well. I don't feel I deserve it. But apparently, by yesterday's ordeal I need to get away. I just don't have the motivation it take to do what is needed. I feel like a burden on your dad. He wants to do stuff and I just look at him and think why the hell are you bothering me? He just walks away and says "I'm here if you need anything". I want to yell, "WELL I NEED CARMEN!". But, I don't. How could you leave me? I know you were being a rebellious teen, but I know I also bear some responsibility for you actions. Telling you I am sorry that I failed in some respects will do nothing. You can't hear me and now you are gone. You are buried in Nebraska. It's better there than here in Texas. I would spend all my time at the grave. Well, that would not work out too well. Not likes things are actually working out too well anyway. Today, I'm supposed to go "talk" to someone about what's been going on with me. What no one understands is that nothing seems to be going. My life seems to be stalled without you. I have a basic I don't give a crap attitude. I hate it but it seems sometimes to take it a life of its own. Your brother will be here soon. I sure hope I can get my crap together before he arrives. He don't know how much I need him. I don't want to smother him. I think he already tries to make up for you not benig here. I'm sorry I have made him feel that way.
I will write more later. I can't wait to see you and hear your voice. I know I will have to wait.........how long? I don't know. No matter the length of time, it has already been too long. My life is just going on, basically without me...without you. I still cannot understand how life can continue without you. Well in truth it's time going on not life......you and your brother are my life. I love you Carmen. My Carmen, I dreamed of you before you existed. Love mom.
Yesterday I went to work. Never really want to be there. The people I work with are really great. But sometimes, I just don't want to socialize in any fashion. I know that sounds terrible and perhaps it is. So anyway, I go to work, it starts off a usual day. The same bull as ever. But something in me could not take anymore of it. It's not that you were on my mind more than usual. You always seem to be there, just beyond my reach. But, I could take no more of the daily grind. I just started crying and could not stop. I had to try and concentrate and well, I did not do too well. I came home. Scared your dad. I never come home from work early. I never stay home because I'm sick and I don't call out. I had been trying to wait until after the trial to "take a vacation". The sound of that sounds awful. How could I vacation after you were brutally murdered? So I tried to wait. It has been 18 months and 3 weeks since you were taken from me. I have not vacationed since before that. So after your trial was postponed for the 2nd time, I thought I need to get away from it all for a little while at least. But when I looked at the times available for me to take time off on the work schedule I couldn't take any real time until November. It's just as well. I don't feel I deserve it. But apparently, by yesterday's ordeal I need to get away. I just don't have the motivation it take to do what is needed. I feel like a burden on your dad. He wants to do stuff and I just look at him and think why the hell are you bothering me? He just walks away and says "I'm here if you need anything". I want to yell, "WELL I NEED CARMEN!". But, I don't. How could you leave me? I know you were being a rebellious teen, but I know I also bear some responsibility for you actions. Telling you I am sorry that I failed in some respects will do nothing. You can't hear me and now you are gone. You are buried in Nebraska. It's better there than here in Texas. I would spend all my time at the grave. Well, that would not work out too well. Not likes things are actually working out too well anyway. Today, I'm supposed to go "talk" to someone about what's been going on with me. What no one understands is that nothing seems to be going. My life seems to be stalled without you. I have a basic I don't give a crap attitude. I hate it but it seems sometimes to take it a life of its own. Your brother will be here soon. I sure hope I can get my crap together before he arrives. He don't know how much I need him. I don't want to smother him. I think he already tries to make up for you not benig here. I'm sorry I have made him feel that way.
I will write more later. I can't wait to see you and hear your voice. I know I will have to wait.........how long? I don't know. No matter the length of time, it has already been too long. My life is just going on, basically without me...without you. I still cannot understand how life can continue without you. Well in truth it's time going on not life......you and your brother are my life. I love you Carmen. My Carmen, I dreamed of you before you existed. Love mom.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
On my Mind
Carmen,
Today, I 'm a class which is rather bad. So instead I think of you. You are my place of peace and at the same time torment. I miss you more than I know how to handle. I cannot believe it has been 18months, 2 weeks and 1 day since you were taken from me. I cannot believe I some how still "made" it this long. Not having you is the most difficult journey I have had thrust on me. I pour over pictures of you and long to touch you again. My baby girl. I miss those beautiful eyes, hair and smile. I beg to no one but the air that you come back. Please come back. I am incomplete without you. My only refuge is your brother. He is my anchor and does not realize it. I will not tell him because I do not want him to bear a burden no one should have to bear. Of feeling like he has to carry me emotionally for the rest of my life. Only you and I will know. There is so much you give me the strength to do. You and your brother have always given me the strength to go on and do more than I could have ever accomplished on my own. Now the "hope" that one day our Lord will allow me to see and hold you again. Your voice is music to me and now that music is gone. Please me dear come to me in my dreams and let me see you. I have work I still need to finish. I always seem behind now. At times I have no I idea where I put stuff. Stuff, I don't even care anymore - sometimes. I know I should not be feeling like that so I keep trying.
Carmen, please visit me tonight in my sleep. Be happy okay. I love you baby and miss you more than the air I breathe. love mom................
Today, I 'm a class which is rather bad. So instead I think of you. You are my place of peace and at the same time torment. I miss you more than I know how to handle. I cannot believe it has been 18months, 2 weeks and 1 day since you were taken from me. I cannot believe I some how still "made" it this long. Not having you is the most difficult journey I have had thrust on me. I pour over pictures of you and long to touch you again. My baby girl. I miss those beautiful eyes, hair and smile. I beg to no one but the air that you come back. Please come back. I am incomplete without you. My only refuge is your brother. He is my anchor and does not realize it. I will not tell him because I do not want him to bear a burden no one should have to bear. Of feeling like he has to carry me emotionally for the rest of my life. Only you and I will know. There is so much you give me the strength to do. You and your brother have always given me the strength to go on and do more than I could have ever accomplished on my own. Now the "hope" that one day our Lord will allow me to see and hold you again. Your voice is music to me and now that music is gone. Please me dear come to me in my dreams and let me see you. I have work I still need to finish. I always seem behind now. At times I have no I idea where I put stuff. Stuff, I don't even care anymore - sometimes. I know I should not be feeling like that so I keep trying.
Carmen, please visit me tonight in my sleep. Be happy okay. I love you baby and miss you more than the air I breathe. love mom................
Friday, April 24, 2009
I will always love you
My daughter Carmen Leona Reese was murdered on 14 Oct 07 at 17 years of age. To me she is my little girl who was very hurt her parent's military deployments to Iraq when she was even younger. She did become rebellious as most teens do any way, but her friend told me she was talking about needing to be home again just before she was murdered. Sometimes she'd just take off and I would get so upset because I was concerned for her safety. Her dad and I buried her the day before her 18th birthday, her brother next to us. I wrote to her: 22 Oct 07 "Carmen, Tody was your funeral - No words can describe how much I'm lost with you being gone - Carmen I had so many hopes for you so many plans yet for your life. Time seemed to move so slow today as it neared for us to say our good byes How do I say good bye to you? I wanted you before you were born - Your dad and I drove the cemetary & the hearst was there - I could not think of you being in there - Not my Carmen. Then your dad gently guided me to your site - your brother next to me. I prayed & prayed it would all stop, it's still some how a mistake. but everything kept going on....my Carmen is gone. I'm left with only your memories now. I have a difficult time accepting; actually thinking you are truly gone - to act, talk, eat, go on like you are not gone, please Carmen, let it not be so...You are my life - I breathed for you - your voice strengthened me - I would have gone to the ends of the earth for you, but now I had to put you in the earth - Tomorrow, I will go back to leave you, your birthday card - remind you that I love you - your dad is sorry he cannot be here - his dad also passed away. But your brother and I will be there. We all love you and always will.....Love Mom"
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