Carmen,
It's just another day here. I was talking to a man the other day whose daughter also died. We could definitely relate to range of emotions and thoughts that we have had. I told him I have a very hard time praying but that when I do pray I'll pray for him. He said he'd do the same. to tell you just how much I miss you is....well I can't. I don't have the words to explain how much I miss you, how much I need to see you, hear your voice, touch your skin.
Your brother is here for a 2 more weeks. It is so awesome to have him home; makes me miss you all the more.
I always remember you, love and miss....Mom
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Looking Back
Sister,
Yeah, it's been awhile since I've called you that. Well, your brother is here from Korea. I sure did miss him. As nice as it is to have him here, you are still missing and missed. I received word of the upcoming court date for your murder trial. How is it that you want something to get done and over with and at the same time you don't want to even address it?
I still have not learned how to deal with your death, doubt I ever will. How is someone supposed to continue living when they just keep looking back? There is very little in life I'd thought of redoing, until you were taken from me. Now, it seems I am always looking back. Back to the good times and times that weren't so good. Times I wish I could redo.
Since your death, I have never been so lost and like I'm wandering aimlessly. having faith and at the same time not believing. Currently, I feel like I just exist and sometimes like I don't exist at all.
You fill such an important part in my life; hell you are such an important part of my life. And just as you are so is your brother.
Carmen, I love and miss you, always........Mom
Yeah, it's been awhile since I've called you that. Well, your brother is here from Korea. I sure did miss him. As nice as it is to have him here, you are still missing and missed. I received word of the upcoming court date for your murder trial. How is it that you want something to get done and over with and at the same time you don't want to even address it?
I still have not learned how to deal with your death, doubt I ever will. How is someone supposed to continue living when they just keep looking back? There is very little in life I'd thought of redoing, until you were taken from me. Now, it seems I am always looking back. Back to the good times and times that weren't so good. Times I wish I could redo.
Since your death, I have never been so lost and like I'm wandering aimlessly. having faith and at the same time not believing. Currently, I feel like I just exist and sometimes like I don't exist at all.
You fill such an important part in my life; hell you are such an important part of my life. And just as you are so is your brother.
Carmen, I love and miss you, always........Mom
Thursday, May 7, 2009
You Again
I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you again, and again and again......will you and I ever be together again? There is so much work that needs to be done around here and I just give a damn, so it's piling up. well i just wanted you to know I love you. I am meeting some friends from work for a get together. they are good people you'd like them. hell you liked everyone anyway.
l love and miss you,
mom
l love and miss you,
mom
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Yesterday
Carmen,
Yesterday I went to work. Never really want to be there. The people I work with are really great. But sometimes, I just don't want to socialize in any fashion. I know that sounds terrible and perhaps it is. So anyway, I go to work, it starts off a usual day. The same bull as ever. But something in me could not take anymore of it. It's not that you were on my mind more than usual. You always seem to be there, just beyond my reach. But, I could take no more of the daily grind. I just started crying and could not stop. I had to try and concentrate and well, I did not do too well. I came home. Scared your dad. I never come home from work early. I never stay home because I'm sick and I don't call out. I had been trying to wait until after the trial to "take a vacation". The sound of that sounds awful. How could I vacation after you were brutally murdered? So I tried to wait. It has been 18 months and 3 weeks since you were taken from me. I have not vacationed since before that. So after your trial was postponed for the 2nd time, I thought I need to get away from it all for a little while at least. But when I looked at the times available for me to take time off on the work schedule I couldn't take any real time until November. It's just as well. I don't feel I deserve it. But apparently, by yesterday's ordeal I need to get away. I just don't have the motivation it take to do what is needed. I feel like a burden on your dad. He wants to do stuff and I just look at him and think why the hell are you bothering me? He just walks away and says "I'm here if you need anything". I want to yell, "WELL I NEED CARMEN!". But, I don't. How could you leave me? I know you were being a rebellious teen, but I know I also bear some responsibility for you actions. Telling you I am sorry that I failed in some respects will do nothing. You can't hear me and now you are gone. You are buried in Nebraska. It's better there than here in Texas. I would spend all my time at the grave. Well, that would not work out too well. Not likes things are actually working out too well anyway. Today, I'm supposed to go "talk" to someone about what's been going on with me. What no one understands is that nothing seems to be going. My life seems to be stalled without you. I have a basic I don't give a crap attitude. I hate it but it seems sometimes to take it a life of its own. Your brother will be here soon. I sure hope I can get my crap together before he arrives. He don't know how much I need him. I don't want to smother him. I think he already tries to make up for you not benig here. I'm sorry I have made him feel that way.
I will write more later. I can't wait to see you and hear your voice. I know I will have to wait.........how long? I don't know. No matter the length of time, it has already been too long. My life is just going on, basically without me...without you. I still cannot understand how life can continue without you. Well in truth it's time going on not life......you and your brother are my life. I love you Carmen. My Carmen, I dreamed of you before you existed. Love mom.
Yesterday I went to work. Never really want to be there. The people I work with are really great. But sometimes, I just don't want to socialize in any fashion. I know that sounds terrible and perhaps it is. So anyway, I go to work, it starts off a usual day. The same bull as ever. But something in me could not take anymore of it. It's not that you were on my mind more than usual. You always seem to be there, just beyond my reach. But, I could take no more of the daily grind. I just started crying and could not stop. I had to try and concentrate and well, I did not do too well. I came home. Scared your dad. I never come home from work early. I never stay home because I'm sick and I don't call out. I had been trying to wait until after the trial to "take a vacation". The sound of that sounds awful. How could I vacation after you were brutally murdered? So I tried to wait. It has been 18 months and 3 weeks since you were taken from me. I have not vacationed since before that. So after your trial was postponed for the 2nd time, I thought I need to get away from it all for a little while at least. But when I looked at the times available for me to take time off on the work schedule I couldn't take any real time until November. It's just as well. I don't feel I deserve it. But apparently, by yesterday's ordeal I need to get away. I just don't have the motivation it take to do what is needed. I feel like a burden on your dad. He wants to do stuff and I just look at him and think why the hell are you bothering me? He just walks away and says "I'm here if you need anything". I want to yell, "WELL I NEED CARMEN!". But, I don't. How could you leave me? I know you were being a rebellious teen, but I know I also bear some responsibility for you actions. Telling you I am sorry that I failed in some respects will do nothing. You can't hear me and now you are gone. You are buried in Nebraska. It's better there than here in Texas. I would spend all my time at the grave. Well, that would not work out too well. Not likes things are actually working out too well anyway. Today, I'm supposed to go "talk" to someone about what's been going on with me. What no one understands is that nothing seems to be going. My life seems to be stalled without you. I have a basic I don't give a crap attitude. I hate it but it seems sometimes to take it a life of its own. Your brother will be here soon. I sure hope I can get my crap together before he arrives. He don't know how much I need him. I don't want to smother him. I think he already tries to make up for you not benig here. I'm sorry I have made him feel that way.
I will write more later. I can't wait to see you and hear your voice. I know I will have to wait.........how long? I don't know. No matter the length of time, it has already been too long. My life is just going on, basically without me...without you. I still cannot understand how life can continue without you. Well in truth it's time going on not life......you and your brother are my life. I love you Carmen. My Carmen, I dreamed of you before you existed. Love mom.
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