Yesterday

Carmen,

Yesterday I went to work. Never really want to be there. The people I work with are really great. But sometimes, I just don't want to socialize in any fashion. I know that sounds terrible and perhaps it is. So anyway, I go to work, it starts off a usual day. The same bull as ever. But something in me could not take anymore of it. It's not that you were on my mind more than usual. You always seem to be there, just beyond my reach. But, I could take no more of the daily grind. I just started crying and could not stop. I had to try and concentrate and well, I did not do too well. I came home. Scared your dad. I never come home from work early. I never stay home because I'm sick and I don't call out. I had been trying to wait until after the trial to "take a vacation". The sound of that sounds awful. How could I vacation after you were brutally murdered? So I tried to wait. It has been 18 months and 3 weeks since you were taken from me. I have not vacationed since before that. So after your trial was postponed for the 2nd time, I thought I need to get away from it all for a little while at least. But when I looked at the times available for me to take time off on the work schedule I couldn't take any real time until November. It's just as well. I don't feel I deserve it. But apparently, by yesterday's ordeal I need to get away. I just don't have the motivation it take to do what is needed. I feel like a burden on your dad. He wants to do stuff and I just look at him and think why the hell are you bothering me? He just walks away and says "I'm here if you need anything". I want to yell, "WELL I NEED CARMEN!". But, I don't. How could you leave me? I know you were being a rebellious teen, but I know I also bear some responsibility for you actions. Telling you I am sorry that I failed in some respects will do nothing. You can't hear me and now you are gone. You are buried in Nebraska. It's better there than here in Texas. I would spend all my time at the grave. Well, that would not work out too well. Not likes things are actually working out too well anyway. Today, I'm supposed to go "talk" to someone about what's been going on with me. What no one understands is that nothing seems to be going. My life seems to be stalled without you. I have a basic I don't give a crap attitude. I hate it but it seems sometimes to take it a life of its own. Your brother will be here soon. I sure hope I can get my crap together before he arrives. He don't know how much I need him. I don't want to smother him. I think he already tries to make up for you not benig here. I'm sorry I have made him feel that way.
I will write more later. I can't wait to see you and hear your voice. I know I will have to wait.........how long? I don't know. No matter the length of time, it has already been too long. My life is just going on, basically without me...without you. I still cannot understand how life can continue without you. Well in truth it's time going on not life......you and your brother are my life. I love you Carmen. My Carmen, I dreamed of you before you existed. Love mom.